Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Same Ol' Same Ol'

New Place, Same Crap

New People, Same treatment

I see that no matter where I go in life and no matter what I do, People will treat me wrong, use me and abuse me until I am all out

I should be use to this by now but unfortunately I'm not

Friends, Family, Guys, will it ever end.....??

Monday, November 28, 2011

3 More Weeks

3 more weeks of classes
3 more weeks of papers
3 more weeks of the torture that has been this semester
3 more weeks before I will close the chapter to this semester
3 more weeks to be back in the comfort of my home where I feel safe
3 more weeks and maybe I will get over this stupid crush
I know that nothing will ever happen between us but yet somewhere in the back of my head I still have this hope
I'm tired of having hope just to have it shattered into pieces
Why do I still like people when I know that with most of them I have no chance
Why am I not good enough?
I'm too loud, too outgoing, too in your face, too bold and that turns people off from me
It's not like I want people to shy away from me because I actually am a nice person outside of being loud
But my personality scares people away and they don't take time to get to know me
Why won't this crush go awayyyyyyy...
I see you and I smile because I'm crushin on you but I instantly get sad too because I know that I will never be anything to you...
3 more weeks till I can escape it all :(

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Good Enough??

Yup I think that you're cute

You were at a floor event that we had today

I came down for a while to see what was going on and because one of my friends told me that I should

I saw you but I didn't say anything to you

I have seen you plenty of times before but when i saw you that day in the Roth lounge, something hit me

It was like a light bulb went off in my head and I saw that you are really attractive

But I know that I am no way in your league

Your smart and cute and have so much going for you

Above all you are a nerdy white boy(in a cute way)

I am the loud, black girl that is smart in some ways but not in others

You will NEVER look at me in that way so why must I even care?

I know that your league is so different from mine

You probably want a small white girl that's cute, smart, athletic and someone that you can show off to the world

I am none of that

I am a voluptuous, loud, funny, sarcastic, crazy, fun, caring girl

I wish that, that was enough for you

You probably don't even know that I exist

I'm just one of your friend's crazy friend that you see in passing

It's whatever, that's the story of my life

I'm always overlooked, just a friend or apparently not good enough to date

I'm use to it and my feelings get hurt for a while but than I get over it

My heart can take it....... Maybe.....

This is what I tell myself so that I can sleep at night

This is what I tell myself so that I don't think on it to much

This is what I tell myself so that I don't give up

These lies keep me going and I don't want to confront the truth of them

Will I ever be good enough for somebody?

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

I see the Light-Tangled

Rapunzel:
All those days watching from the windows
All those years outside looking in
All that time never even knowing
Just how blind I've been
Now I'm here, blinking in the starlight
Now I'm here, suddenly I see
Standing here, it's all so clear
I'm where I am meant to be

And at last I see the light
And it's like the fog has lifted
And at last I see the light
And it's like the sky is new
And it's warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once everything looks different
Now that I see you

(musical interlude)

Eugene(Flynn):
All those days chasing down a daydream
All those years living in a blur
All that time never truly seeing
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Things, the way they were
Now she's here shining in the starlight
Now she's here, suddenly I know
If she's here it's crystal clear
I'm where I'm meant to go

Rapunzel & Eugene (Flynn):
And at last I see the light

Eugene (Flynn):
And it's like the fog has lifted

Rapunzel & Eugene (Flynn):
And at last I see the light

Rapunzel:
And it's like the sky is new

Rapunzel & Eugene(Flynn):
And it's warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once, everything is different
Now that I see you
Now that I see you <3

Thursday, November 3, 2011

College & Life

I am now staring down the barrel of gun that is seeming to going to assassinate me
I may or may not pass one of my courses that I need for my major which will drop my gpa and I will have to take it over again
Oh the joys of college that love to stress me out
This could potentially stop me from pursuing my dream of studying abroad and even going to grad school and getting into the right program
What did I get myself into too?
It always seems like I'm in this never ending hole that as soon as I get close to the top I am knocked back down and hit harder than before
I question my life, my major, my sanity, my well being, I question so much all the time
I use to be such a happy, carefree, stress free person and then I came to college and I swear it aged me a few years
Lord how do I get back to that place of such peace, such joy, such love, such laughter
I seem to have lost me along the way pursuing my goals
I want to come back to me and ultimately back to you
I feel as if I have gone so far and don't know how to get back
I look around and try to find you God but I feel as if you are hiding your face from me
Lord I NEED you
I can't do this without you, I can't go on without you and personally I don't want to go on without you
Oh God please be strong where I am weak and be my strong tower and be with me
I am so down and I need to get back up but where do I start?
Where do I go from here??

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

When is it my turn?

When will it be my turn I wonder?
I've been waiting for a while now and it seems that my turn will never come
So many people around me are getting their turn and their chance, where is mine?
It seems like a far off dream that is just that a dream
It will never happen to me and I will just have to accept the cruel reality
I will become a professional and have all these great things except for the one thing that I really desire
It is to be loved, to be in love, to have true love and for it to last for all time
It doesn't seem like it's a lot to want but yet it always comes up
I think about it even when I don't want too and it seems to come up in conversation very often
I don't want it to dominate my life because I have a lot of dreams, ambitions and goals that I want to reach
So I'm not one of those girls that love and marriage is all I want to do in life
I don't need a relationship but to have one would be nice
I just wonder when will I be good enough to be in a relationship?
I know that I may be damaged goods but does that make me not good enough to have someone love me and keep me around
Good enough that they could see a future with me and not throw me to the side like yesterday's news
I want to be important to that one person and when they see me that it's like there is no one else for them
Will I ever have my turn or will I forever be known as damaged goods and too fragile to touch?

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Future

Thinking about the future scares me
I started looking at grad schools and literally my heart started pounding
I am officially living my future
I mean I planned it for so long that know that it's here, it scares the crap out of me
Why must the future come so fast and be like a dark cloud over me
I want to do so many things but which of them is right
I want my masters in Psychology but maybe I should go all the way and get my Psy.D
Maybe I should make my concentration in Family and marriage therapy which is one of my minors
Well I have a minor in political science too and I like history and government
Maybe I should get both my masters in Psychology and Political Science
But that's a lot of money and time being spent
What would I actually do with the political science?
I mean with Psych I want to be a counselor
But Political Science was kind of sprung on me, this summer at a Youth Retreat
Am I doing the right thing??
Is this really where I am supposed to be at??
Am I making the right choices that align up with the will of God or am I working out of my own selfish ambitions?
So many things are bouncing around in my head and I don't know what to do with all of them
I want them to make sense but the more that I try and make sense of them, the more confusing they get
I want to be an ambitious person and go for what I want
But at the same time I'm scared and want to run away from it all
Why must making decisions and life be so hard?
God please make sense of what is going on in my head and point me into the direction that I should go and the grad school that would be right for me??
I don't want to stop thinking about the future but everytime it scares me.. Why must the future be so scary and unpredictable??

Thursday, October 20, 2011

As I stand here broken I ask you to repair me.....

My heart is in pieces, God I'm asking that you begin to repair me
You see the tears I cry
You see the hurt and pain
You see the anger and how I want to change
Lord help me through this because without you I can't do it
I've been fearful and running away from the things that hurt me and essentially running away from you
God I'm done running
I come to you broken, hurting, in pain, crying out for you to change me
I can't live like this anymore...
Fill me up with you and heal the open wounds
God I need you more that I have ever before
Come in and change me into the woman you have called me to be not what I think I should be..
As I stand here broken I ask you to repair me

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Always...

Always pretty and nice but never good enough to date.. that seems to be my track record..Gotta love sucker punches to me because they seem to love me!

This is me giving up

First you seem like you wanted to be nice to me this year
Of course I fell for it and got right into your trap
I really like you and all you do is play with my emotions
It's not fun or fair to have your emotions played with
You see me and look me right in my face and just ignore me
But you talk to the girl next to you
You know that it's me and I sit in the same seat for every chapel
I guess that's cool
Just so tired of people using me
Why am I never good enough for someone to love forever
Why am I only good enough to just be played me and left hanging?
Sometimes it's hard to keep hope alive when you keep just getting used and abused.
This is why I'm just gonna give up on liking people because I ALWAYS choose the wrong people
I let them use and abuse me while I sit back and take it because I think that I'm not good enough
I just have to take what I can get rather than be alone for a long time
It's been 3 years..... and I still keep choosing wrong
This is my breaking point
I can't take anymore and I throw in the towel
I just focus on me, school and God
Because my heart can't take it anymore...

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Relationships

Relationships are something that seems to be the topic on everybody's minds now
I look on facebook and like a bunch of people that I know are getting in relationships
I mean I'm happy that they found somebody that they acre for and that shares the feeling with them
I wonder where mine is at?
What am I doing wrong that it's not my time yet?
Everyone tells me I'm going to get a great guy and that I just need to wait
I am waiting but of course sometimes my fear gets the best of me what if I never get married?
What if I don't get to have a family?
I want to get married and have a family not be by myself forever
I just have to wait for my turn but it seems like my turn is taking a while
Am I doing something wrong that is making my process longer than others???
Ugh relationships......
Why can't I be like some of the people I know and never think about them
Just go along in life and not like guys and get distracted by them and have your heart skip a beat when you see them
I like it but I hate it at the same time
I want to get over this phase or whatever is going on in my brain so that I can stop being distracted by men
I just need to focus on school and my future and maybe that will make it better or maybe not.....

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

October Break

6 days till October break...All I ask is that you please come faster. I need a vacation and to get out of the middle of no where.....Please come quickly and leave me slowly.....Please and Thank you!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Friendship

I've seen this happen before
Slowly but surely a friendship starts to fade away
I've had it happen plenty of times before so I know what it's like
It seems like you get really close to someone and then something comes in the mix
I don't know why but this seems to happen a lot in my life
What's the point of getting close to people if they just run away from you
I guess it's ok
What can you really do?
You can't force someone to be your friend so what happens, happens....

What I see

It sucks seeing so much love and marriage and happiness when you've been single for almost 3 years and have no potential of that happening to you anytime soon....

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Monday, September 26, 2011

Enjoying life

Even though I'm at school and it's hard to keep up with the things I love I have to or I will go insane
1.) I have to read at least 1 book for pleasure and not for school work
2.) Crocheting... I know it's an old people thing but it relaxes me and I enjoy it
3.) Eating right... Yeah this is def a new one thanks to my new gallbladder problem that has arisen(by the way I've lost 10 pounds since it started acting up)
4.) Writing.. Something I haven't done in a very long time because I seem to have lost a passion for it
5.) Start exercising again even though I've been loosing weight I want it toned and not just flabby
6.) Spending more time with Jesus because he definitely deserves some time in my day with no question
7.) Taking walks.. these always helped me clear my head and keep the stress level down
8.) Drink more water to keep myself hydrated
  This is my list starting today...It's going to be a hard task but I will try and manage the best that I can

Friday, September 23, 2011

Why must you torment me?

After months of not speaking to each other, you texted me
I was surprised, didn't really know what to make of it
We talked just like the old times and you made me laugh and feel important like you use too
We talked about our relationship and we finally told our true feelings on the situation
All those feelings that I swore were gone came back with a vengence
I remembered the time we spent together and how you use to visit me at work and how I had a crush on you for years and then finally I was acknowleged
Everything that I felt for you came over me like flood that I couldn't control
Then you told me that your moving in November
Your moving, What a way to drop it on me
I remember you talking about it when we dated but I never thought that you were serious
I guess you were
How am I supposed to react to all these emotions that seem to have come out of no where
I missed you and I missed everything about you
When I listen to certain songs it reminds me of you and then I remember that All I have left are memories of what was
You were my brother's friend and my crush when I was 12 years old... What a 12 year old didn't know
At 17 we would come together just to be split up
I mean I did end it but that didn't make it hurt any less
After that we became cool again and I told you how I felt for you and you stringed me along until I decided to move on or so I thought
Thank you so much for turning my world upside down and making me relive all of that over again because it just wasn't good enough the last time
I'm through with Love it just hurts to much to care anymore....


http://youtu.be/DsoKAOYJ_BM

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Can I just get one guy that comes in my life and stays......

When will I learn?

Don't get my hopes up because they will just get crushed

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

You

I want to get to know you. I want to be your friend. I want to know all about you. I want you to like me back. For some reason you make me so nervous. Your a year younger than me. My friends say I'm a cougar I say I don't care. I want to start a conversation with you but when I get a chance nothing comes to mind. Why does that happen to me, that never happens to me. If anything I talk to much. I know what I want to say but when the opportunity comes up, my thoughts just float away. I know what happened last year when I liked people it ended in a Flop. Don't want this to turn out the same way. It probably will but I just suck it up and get over it. But even though I tell myself this I still smile when you walk by and I tell all my friends about you and I think of you often. This is how it happened last time....What's a girl to do....

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

My Deepest Fears

To fall in love
To be rejected
To never change
To be overweight forever
To let things go
To become the woman God called me to be
To step out int my destiny
To let people in
To let down my walls
To come out of my shell
To open up my heart again
To allow myself to be hurt
To let people see behind the mask
To smile like I don't have a care in the world
To laugh as if there's no tomorrow
To look in the mirror and believe that I'm actually beautiful
To get dressed and not be self conscious
To believe that one day someone will want to marry me
To believe that my body will get better
To know that I don't have to hide behind other people
To branch out and do new things
To fail and get back up and try again
To rejoice in the small things even if no one else cares
To love God with all of me and let him in every area that I have been holding back
To pray like no ones watching
To actually live the things I so adamantly preach
To not second guess myself
To know that I will make the right decisions
To believe that there is nothing wrong with me being me just the way god intended it
      I don't want My Deepest Fears to be My Deepest Regrets!

Monday, September 5, 2011

Summary

I'm getting sick again all the time like I was last semester

I am taking new medicine and I feel like an old person having to pop pills

My mind is my worse enemy

Even when I try and try and loose weight I'm still fat

All I wanna do is eat chocolate but thanks to my medicine I can't

All my friends have men and me here still all alone

The guys I all liked last semester either rejected me or have gf's or just ignored me all together

The one guy I kind of am attracted to this semester probably will NEVER be attracted to me

Everything seems to be changing around me and not for the better

My brother is incarcerated and I don't know when he's getting out

My mom is struggling to pay bills and to help me pay for school because she's awesome

My computer is falling apart and I have no way to pay for a new one

I need a car but I can't afford one

I was replaced in my circle of high school friends and am afraid that my college ones will do the same

What if they decide I'm no longer interesting and just leave me off to the side

My future seems so uncertain at times and I wonder if I have a future at all

God please make sense of all this confusion in my brain because I can't take it anymore!

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Love Lost

I had love once and it was the greatest thing I ever felt
I loved a guy with all of my heart and I thought that it would last forever
We made promises of the future and planned our lives together
We smiled, we laughed, we fought, I cried but I just knew that he was the one
I was 16, if only I knew
He was the boy I gave my heart too and opened up my life too
He met my family and saw sides of me that people had never seen before
I trusted him with everything that was me
He ensured that he would keep my heart close and never let me go
Through the late night talks, random dates and smiles and frowns I fell hard for a boy that wasn't ready for the love I had
My world seemed so perfect
There was nothing that could bring us down and I was on cloud 9 for what seemed an eternity
Then the smiles were replaced with frowns, the laughs with tears, the conversations to arguments and the random dates to times of silence
No I wouldn't let it happen this way, we had to be perfect and last forever that was the promise we made
Then that faithful day where my world came shattering down and it was over
What was I supposed to do without him in my world
He was supposed to be my forever...
I was lost and sad and so heartbroken
How could someone who seemed to make my heart whole and make me so happy
At the same time shatter my world and drop my heart like all that time spent together was a waste
He found a new love and she just happened to be one of my best friends
GO FIGURE!
The same girl counseling me was the same one taking my man behind my back
That was almost 3 years ago
I have been single ever since then
I haven't had anyone come into my life and make me feel the way he did
I don't want my heart to be broken but I also don't want to stay alone forever
I want to stay in my shell, but I also want to branch out
I want love that was even better than that but I just have to wait for it
This love I want to last forever and not just be a fling or a waste of my time
Love was lost and hasn't been discovered yet
No love found, Just love lost...

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Desperate Prayer

Lord I'm in this place and I don't know where is forward
I don't want to step away from your will but where is your will at
God I don't come to you every time I have a problem
Lord forgive me for that
Forgive me of my selfish ways and always moaning and complaining
Forgive me of the prideful ways and thinking that what I'm doing is enough
Lord show me your will and your way and turn me into the woman that you have called me to be
Lord there are things that have been pressing on my heart and I don't know what to
I am lost, stagnant,confused, overwhelmed, tired, lazy, bored, just so many things
I feel as if I'm not good enough
That what I do or say isn't good enough
God what do I do
I need an answer, Lord please show me an answer
I can't go on without an answer from you
Lord in my time of need I ask that you show up!

Friday, July 15, 2011

No longer

No longer looking but only waiting
No longer pursuing but waiting to be pursued
No longer fearing because it's a waste of time
No longer holding back from the life because the only person that is being hurt is me
No longer putting myself in situations and then regretting the decision
No longer eating because I am sad or depressed
No longer letting people walk in and out of my life while i sit blindly
No longer holding onto the past
No longer letting them in my life when I already know how the story ends
No longer being afraid to stand up for myself
No longer taking second best when I deserve THE best
No longer trying to please everybody and forgetting about myself
No longer trying to run away from my problems and ultimately running away from myself
No longer run away from my calling but run towards it
No longer being afraid of failure when failure is what made me who I am today
No longer will I lie asleep at night and let my mind fool me into believeing things that aren't true
No longer am I going to let the devil win while I lie down and take it
No longer will I sit in the backseat of my own life but I will be in the passenger seat being driven by Jesus!
No longer will I question my relationship with Jesus or all that he said that he would do
No longer will I stand in the back of the fight when I am called to be at the front and be leader
No longer intimidated, crushed, abused, misused, mistreated, talked about, forgotten
                                NO LONGER!!!!!!!

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,
Dad I Love you
But I just can't take it anymore
I'm not one of the tramps that you sleep with
I'm not one of the women that you had all these kids with
I'm your daughter and I deserve the best!
You treat me like a whore, you use me and then leave me high and dry
You say you love me but do you really mean it
You put everything before me and then try to act like your the perfect father
Well news flash your not!
You were never there for me when i needed you
When i got my first boyfriend
When i got my heartbroken
When I let guys use and abuse me because I didn't think I was good enough
Guess what dad you weren't there
When i gained friend and lost them
When I changed my life around and gave it to Jesus
Guess what dad you weren't there
When I started college
When I changed my major
When I cried over test scores and crushes that hurt
Guess what dad you weren't there
When I just needed a shoulder to cry on
When I needed understanding
when I needed male love and attention
Guess what you weren't there
I was looking for you in all the wrong places and guess what I didn't find you in those guys and I don't even know who you are when I'm standing in front of you
Dad you hurt me sooo bad
I look at you and most of the time all I see is the anger, the hurt, the pain and the lies
How can you not see how this has affected me
You don't really care about me unless its something that benefits you
So go ahead with your new family and forget about me
I can't take it anymore and I refuse too
Dad this is me forgiving you and moving on
This is me accepting you for who you are and not expecting anything more
This is your baby girl growing up
I'm letting go of all of the hurt, anger, and pain
it's truly only hurting me
This is me forgiving you
This is me saying GoodBye!

Monday, June 13, 2011

I finally did it

I finally did it
You might ask what it is
I have finally cut off all the old relationships from the past
These were guys that I had relationships with or "things" or whatever you wanna call it
It was hard for me at first because keeping their numbers and friendships on Facebook was a weird way of still holding onto them
Even if I didn't talk to them I still could see what was going on in their life
Now I did it their numbers are erased and friendships on facebook terminated
I can't believe I had the strength to do it
It took me years to be able to finally let go of some of these people
But even though it hurt, it was like chains that have held me captive are finally being released
What I had with these "boys" is in the past
Their is no more to our story and the book ends now
No longer will I be a pawn to their silly games
No longer will I open myself up just to be hurt by these people
I am made new with the leaving of the past in the past
I can rejoice and say hallelujah! I am FREE!!
God thank you for this great change that has come upon me
It has been a long time coming and I've been afraid of it but now that it's done, I realize that this decision was never to hurt me but to teach me something and to make me stronger
My past is OVER in you!
I'm becoming the woman that you have called me to be, It's almost 9 years but I think I may have finally gotten it
God you don't do things to hurt us but you teach us, train us and equip us so that when our time comes we will be ready
Thank you for never giving up on your stubborn,knuckle headed, indecisive, fearful Daughter
If you would have I wouldn't be where I am today
I finally did it!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

I have to admit

There is something that I have to admit
For so long I have tried to play it cool but now I can't deny the truth
I'm tired of being single
I've been single for over 2 years ever since I gave my life over to God
I decided that they next guy I wanted to date would be my husband but I never knew how hard the words would hut me
A lot of my close friends saved and unsaved have boyfriends that are actually good guys
Their falling in love and making plans for the future with their love
I'm making plans for the future by myself
I know that I have to wait and the right one will come along for me but that doesn't make it any easier
It's weird being single and having no guy even trying to pursue me
It makes me wonder about the way I look and why aren't guys attracted to me
Did I do something wrong that makes me so undesirable or is God shielding me until my time comes
I usually am very good at being strong and not worrying about a man but for some reason recently it has come up a lot
All of my older cousins are either married or are in good relationships and even some of my younger cousins are
It seems like I'm gonna be the old maid while they are happily in love
It hurts when I think about being alone for the rest of my life
That means I won't have kids or a life and a love to share with someone else
I have to be strong as usual but this time I need to be strong and honest with God and myself
I want a boyfriend, and I want a husband, I want a family!
I want to hold hands, kiss in the rain, take long walks, talk about everything, plan our life together, take awesome crazy adventures together
Whew! Now that I've got that out I feel better
I have to admit I'm waiting on God and it's in his timing  but I'm still human with human feelings and I will work through this!  
I just have to remember in God's Timing!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Contemplate

Ever just been up at night and all you do is think
Think of all the things that have ever happened to you
The good, the bad and the straight up ugly
Some of it makes me want to laugh so loud that I can probably wake up my entire neighborhood
Others of it just makes me want to cry from the pain ad hurt that it has caused me
Life is just so fragile
I never really realized that for some odd reason
I was too busy caught up in the past to realize that life was starting to pass me by
For so long I have watched life happen and have not participated in it
I was either too afraid or too comfortable to ever reach out and try something different
It literally hurts to think of all the years that I wasted because I was to afraid
I was too comfortable, too hard shelled and behind so may walls that even the biggest tank couldn't get me out
For so long I always said that if somebody wanted to get to me that they had to go through all of these steps and crack what seemed like a "secret code"
But now I have come to realize that, that is not the case at all
It is time for me to come out of all this protective covering that I have put myself in and start being me
It is not their job to crack the code it is my job to let my walls down and let my past go
Yes I'll still get hurt, yes I'll wanna put those walls back up but I refuse to go there again
I'm starting to get freedom and now that I have had a taste there is no going back
So Bye-Bye to my past and Cheers to my future

Friday, May 6, 2011

New Perspective

School is almost over. As of next week Tuesday my first year of college will be done. I can;t believe that I have come this far since the first day that I stepped foot on Houghton College Campus. I came in a insecure, spindless, dependent Pre-med major and I am leaving a stronger, smarter, bolder Psychology major. I was afraid to step of my comfort zone and now that I have I wouldn't change that experience for the world. It has not only changed my future plans but also my outlook on life. I know see my future as brighter and full of possibilities instead of just school, school and more school. I get to so something that I love which is counseling people and I get to do what God has called me to do. Not gonna lie it scares me a lot to think about my future but I know with God in the driver seat that everything will turn out the way that it is supposed to.I accept the mistakes of my past but I am officially moving on from them and looking to my brighter future. It's time for the old me to shed and the new me to spread my wings and fly like an eagle.God your will not my will be done in my life :)

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

My feelings

I feel like death again
I been sick since last thursday and it hasn't seem to get any better
I wish I could eat like a normal person but my body keeps rebelling against me
I really just want to be better but it doesn't seem to be happening any time soon
I have to study for 3 exams that start coming up this friday
I just want to go home and curl up in my bed and stay there
At home is where i feel comfort but I have another week before I can do that
I just want my mom to hold me and tell me that everyone is going to be ok
I just have so much that seems to be going on in my head lately and being sick doesn't make it better
Why can't things just be a little bit easy?
Why can't I just shake off all of this fear that seems to have me drowning?
Lately I've been feeling like I'm drowning in a sea of emotions and problems
It all hit me at once
Usually I can deal with these silent killers that try to come and hurt me but this time it seems like it has come to shake me and keep me bound
I trust in God and I know that he has a plan but it still gets hard
I still cry myself to sleep sometimes
I still sit in confusion and wonder how will I make it through the storm this time
God you are still the great I am and my life is in your hand
But right now I feel that everything is coming against me and I look for you and it's hard to see you
I am weak and i need you to be strong for me
I can't do this on my own
I am a lowly sinner, saved by your grace that is calling on you
God I need you RIGHT NOW!

Monday, May 2, 2011

Confusion

Confusion is where I seemed to have lived at for the past few weeks
Confusion about life
Confusion about where I'm suppose to be at
Confusion about where my place is in life
Confusion about whether at the end of my 3 years will my record be good enough for grad school
Confusion about whether I will make it in grad school
Confusion about whether I will be a good counselor in real life
Confused about whether I'm doing enough for God
Confusion about whether I am enough
And of course the confusion that's always there is confusion about a boy
I don't want to go through life and just be another person that lived on the earth
I somehow want to leave my impact on this earth but I don't know exactly how to do that
I know God has called me to be a counselor and talk to people and change them but how?
I'm so afraid to make mistakes and let people down that I stop my life
This is how I have lived these last few years of my life in places of great hope and places of great confusion
God please helped your confused Daughter, give me direction and show me exactly what I'm supposed to do
There is no way that I want to move outside of your will so God this is where I call on you and ask for your help
Cuz me and my human mind we can't do it alone, without you, Life isn't even worth living..
So please help me in my place of confusion or I fear that confusion will get the best of me

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Just don't know

Sometimes I don't know whether I'm being forgiving or just plain naive. Yeah I came home for break and had a great time and then I talked to you while I was home. I forgave you for all the wrong you did to me and know just wanted to try friendship, it's failed times before now but I still wanted to try. Of course just trying to be the nice person I let you in again and again you let me down. Why does it seem that I have to be so stupid, to think with my heart instead of my head and my spirit. My heart keeps saying give another chance but my head is telling me that you've been down this road before. I'm tired of people disappointing me and taking me for granted. Just because I help people does not mean I don't myself have a desire to be loved, and cared for and adored and just not overlooked. Why must I be overlooked by so many people. They think they know me or see who I really am but the sad part is that half of the people that think they know me don't know even half of the things about me. God please just help me on this bumpy road that seems to have been going on for so long. I want to forgive and get over stuff but also now be naive to who people really are.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Helping people that's what I'm called to do right
God has showed me so many different times that helping people see who they are in him is what I am to do
Yet everytime I do it, it backfires in my face
For some people I'm like their mother and I comfort them when they need it
For some people I'm a friend and I just listen to their problems and help them when they are in a sticky situation
I try as hard as I can to be there for people but it never seems enough
I give them my all but my all is never enough
God I know that you put this calling on my life to help your people but the more I help the more people push me away
The more that i show that i care the more that in a situation i tend to come out with the broken heart
I try to be a good friend and never judge nor criticize but it seems that it again backfires on me
If you don't want my advice then why do you come to me
If that's what you want to do with your life then go ahead and do it
I don't wanna run your life, I'm just here to help
God please help me I don't wanna give up on people but they make it hard to stick with em

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Dear Period,
   You come around the same time every month. You give me cramps, bloating, irritability and oh lets just mention the aches and pains.You also give me this burning desire to cuddle and desire male affection which I don't really appreciate but I have to deal with. I want somebody to hold me in their strong arms and make me feel ok while I'm in pain but oh yeah don't have one of those. This relationship that we have period disrupts my way of thinking and interferes in my life and I don't appreciate it! So I think that you need to leave my body and my mind alone! I like these terms and you need to accept them too.Kthanksbye!

Friday, April 1, 2011

Waiting

Waiting
Such an easy word yet such a hard thing to do
It seems like whenever I decide to wait 50 things happen to make it even harder
In waiting I tend to get impatient because it's not happening when I want it to
I say that I'm waiting on God but yet I try to do things in my own power
Doing things in my own power never worked out for me and yet my mind still continues to want too
Waiting is apart of the commitment that I made to God to wait for my future husband
It goes good at first and I'm very strong in that belief
Then something happens and it seems like the waiting seems not even worth it
I see all the happy couples, the people getting married, the people falling in love and I think where's mines
Then I start to second guess myself and maybe that waiting on God isn't worth it
That lasts for sometime but in my spirit and in my heart I know that God will take care of me
When it's my time to date it will come, when it's my time to fall in love it will happen
Right now just isn't the time so I have to wait and be patient and stop letting my mind get me and the people around me that say I should be dating by now, ignore them
The 1 that is for me will show up in God's timing and not my own
I would rather it happen in God's timing and not my own because my time sucks
God knows what I need and not what I want
I would so rather have what I need rather than what I want
"Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these shall be added to you" Matthew 6:33
"A man that findeth a wife, findeth a good thing" Proverbs 18:22
The one for me will find me and I shall be found doing my father's business!
Until that time I shall wait.....

Monday, March 28, 2011

Left out

Ever be with your friends and feel like your absolutely alone??
Yeah we all hang together but it feels like something is different
They both like one of the people we hang with and I'm just kinda left there
It's not that they make me feel that way it's just a feeling that comes up sometimes
I feel like the odd man out and Its the 4 of them and me to tag along
Why do I feel like this all of a sudden?
I use to feel so included and now I just feel like a nuisance
I feel like the little sibling that tags along but they don't really want them there
I'm just their for comic relief and because I ask them if I can come
I don't like anybody right now and I really don't know if that's weird or not?
I've gotten over all my crushes because I realized that they were going nowhere
Why waste my time and energy on someone that doesn't even realize that I exist?
I feel so forgot about and I don't know why?
I know that people live me but sometimes I feel as if I'm not good enough for them
What I need and want is put on the backburner because it's not as important as other people's problems
I don't just want to be the tag along or the "really good friend"
I know that I have potential to be so much more but when will it come out?
Who knows maybe I will just be the tag along for now
Maybe one day someone will notice who I am not just Mama Miere
But Jamiere Leslie that woman that is just like any other person out here
Not to be feared but to be loved and taken care of and just want genuine friendships
And how about a guy that sees who I really am and not just want sex from me?
I'm not an object to be played with or a heart just to break
I am a woman of God that has her ups and downs
Maybe one day someone will make me feel included and not just as the tag along friend...

Sunday, March 20, 2011

New Life

It feels great to finally see the sun outside
Its the first day of spring and it's great to know that summer is near
It seems like the winter brought on so many stresses and problems
But with the spring there is time for new chances and new life
Its time to get out of this funk and stop observing life
No longer time to play the background but time to step up and start living
Start laughing more, smiling more
Start taking everyday one day at a time and not just a future that is so far off
I'm ready for this new chance and new day
God whatever you want to do I'm ready and willing
I know that you will take care of me and I trust you with my whole heart
No matter what my mind may say or what people may say I cling to you
Just as spring brings new life, God I ask that you breathe new life and new fire into me
I'm ready! :)

Moving on

Happy to finally say that I'm moving on from you
It was torture to have thoughts of you all the time
Finally it has passed and I know that I can just be your friend
It took me a while to get over you but I finally have
Can I just say that I'm done doing this whole liking and getting over process
God it's your turn :)

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Life

Life sucks sometimes
There are so many things that come up and make it so difficult
 People coming in and out of your life
Hurting you and then leaving and not having a care in the world that they did
I'm sick of being hurt and having to act like everything is ok
I have a big heart but that doesn't mean that I don't feel pain, anger,jealousy
I have played pretend for so long that sometimes I don't know what is my show and what is reality
Can someone hear me crying in the middle of the night when I'm hurt
Will someone care that this pain is too much for me to handle?
I don't wanna cry anymore but the tears seems to come anyway
I want to be strong but then I want to be able to cry and let things go
I want to be able to feel completely vulnerable and feel safe in vulnerability
I feel like my wall that is around my heart just keeps getting higher and stronger because I can't take the pain
I can't take the pain because it hurts too me
I need to be strong as I have always been but after 14 years of it, it gets old
Who will hear me cry out and let me be vulnerable?
Until then crying myself to sleep and hiding my feelings is all that I can do

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Special Someone

I want that special someone to hold me close

I want to smell that special cologne that he wears

I want to feel like this is what I've been waiting on

I want to feel your hands intertwined with mine

I want you to wrap your arms around me and hold me like you'll never let go

I want you to look at me and in your eyes I can see our future

I want you to kiss me on the forehead and I can feel the way you care for me

I want to know that you will never leave me and that you see your future with me

I want to not be afraid to love you

I want to feel like I can be comfortable with you and not afraid to be vulnerable

I want you to show me that you are different from the rest

I want to feel like the wait has been worth it all this time

I want to know that you love me and I Love you!

I want this to be forever

I want to be able to trust you with everything

I want us to have a family, and kids and build a life together

I just want a FUTURE that includes that special someone

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Taylor Swift Here you come again

Here you come again
Just when I've begun
To get myself together
You waltz right in the door
Just like you've done before
And wrap my heart
'Round your little finger
Here you come again
Just when I'm about
To make it work without you

You look into my eyes
And light those dreamy eyes
And pretty soon I'm wonderin'
How I came to doubt you
All you gotta do
Is smile that smile
And there go all my defenses
Just leave it up to you
And in a little while
You're messin' up my mind
And fillin' up my senses


Here you come again
Lookin' better than a body
Has a right to
And shakin' me up so
That all I really know
Is here you come again

All you gotta do
Is smile that smile
And there go all my defenses
Just leave it up to you
And in a little while
You're messin' up my mind
And fillin' up my senses

Here you come again
Lookin' better than a body
Has a right to
And shakin' me up so
That all I really know
Is here you come again
Here I go
And here you come again
Here I go

Thursday, February 17, 2011

I just want to hold you close
I just want to smell the strong scent that you wear
I want you to hold me close and feel your heart beat
I want you to kiss me on the forehead and make me feel special
I want to feel you chest rise and fall as you breath
I want to lay in your bed next to you
I want you to pull me close and make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world
I want you to hold me tight and make me feel safe
I want you to tell me your dreams
Tell me what places you want to see
Tell me about your family
Tell me all your secrets
Tell me the truth about everything
It is you that I want and you that I want to understand
What are you hiding behind that exterior of yours?
I want to know much more about you
I want to gaze into your eyes and feel the fire and desire
I want to feel the stroke of your hand against my back
I want to feel you warm hands intertwine with mine
I want to feel you lips pressed against me in a dance of the time
I just want you to be mine :)

Thursday, February 10, 2011

My past year

So much has happened in this past year in my life
I have grown closer to God in so many ways
I got baptized in the niagara river
I started my first semester of college
I became a Psychology major something I never thought that I would do
I've met awesome friends that love me just for being me
I've learned to let things go
I've learned to not be afraid of who I am or change who I am for people
I'm not afraid to open up to people and let them see who I truly am
I want to get deeper friendships and not be afraid of them not accepting me for who I am
I have been shown God's love in so many ways
I have learned that its ok for my world to fall apart sometimes
Its ok for me to make mistakes and know that I'm not perfect
Im going to be a girl sometimes with stupid emotions and stuff
Im going to mess up and say and do the wrong thing but that doesn't make me a bad person
It makes me human
It makes me a growing young woman
It makes me a person with real feelings
It makes me not to be invincible or intimidating
It makes me stronger
It makes me not afraid of who I truly am
It makes me be a better ME! <3

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Today

Today I won't be afraid to open up
Today I won't let my past determine my future 
Today I won't let the sight of you change me
Today I will let myself just enjoy life 
Today I will not be afraid to move out of my comfort zone 
Today I will just take things as they are
Today I'm not afraid to do things differently
Today I won't be afraid to be who I am
Today I won't be afraid to tell you how I've felt for 2 semesters now
Today...Well maybe not tell you yet but think about telling you :)

Monday, January 24, 2011

What do you see

What do you see when you see me?
Do you just a black woman with a out-going personality?
Do you see the love that I have for people?
Do you see my heart as it breaks for the lost and broken-hearted?
Do you see the woman that God has destined me to be?
Do you see the love that I have for God?
Do you see how much I just want to be loved?
Do you see the heart open and willing to love again?
Do you see the woman chasing after God with her whole heart?
Do you see the woman captivated and captured by her beloved Jesus?
Do you see the sometimes low self-esteem?
Do you see the pain that has made her the person she is?
Do you see the woman trying to make her life be more like Jesus?
Do you see the woman that may seem like she has it all but has her struggles too?
Above all Do you see the woman that is trying to run to Destiny and Purpose in God?
Now tell me What do you see?

Friday, January 21, 2011

Love Quotes

At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet...
-- Plato


Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage.
-- Lao Tzu 



Dance as though no one is watching you. Love as though you have never been hurt before. Sing as though no one can hear you. Live as though heaven is on earth.
-- Author Unknown 



I have learned not to worry about love;
But to honor its coming with all my heart.
-- Alice Walker



If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin Into his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.
-- Emily Dickinson



Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead. The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a warmth and a richness to life that nothing else can bring.
-- Oscar Wilde



Love comforteth like sunshine after rain.
-- William Shakespeare



Love in its essence is spiritual fire.
-- Emanuel Swedenborg



Love is like the sun coming out of the clouds and warming your soul.
-- Author Unknown



The first duty of love is to listen.
-- Paul Tillich



The most beautiful things in the world are not seen nor touched. They are felt with the heart.
-- Helen Keller



 We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
-- Sam Keen





Thursday, January 20, 2011

Life

Sometimes things seems so uncertain
Fork in the road, go left or go right
Choose light or choose
Do right thing or feel good
God I just want to do your will
So show me at this fork on the road
What do you want me to do
Desperation is the road I'm at
So in my desperation show me God
Your will in my life or I fear
Desperation will take over me

Tonight...

Tonight a dream was crushed
Tonight what I thought could be,will never be
Tonight I saw my heart fall right out of my chest
Tonight I saw the boy I adore become the man I will never have
Tonight it was finally time to step into reality
Tonight it become so real and so clear to me
Tonight you hurt my heart and there's go being back
Tonight my idea of you and me faded into a distant memory
Tonight I realized that I will be just another girl you met in college
Tonight I will cry the tears for all the words my heart refuse to speak
Tonight all I will ever be is your friend
Tonight is where the fairytale ends
Tonight I will tell myself that it's ok
Tonight I will try not to lay awake and think of you
Tonight I will have to let you go....

Free to be me

I'm not perfect can't you see
All I'm trying to do is be me
I'm different from everybody else
I'm outgoing,loud,usually known by people
But if you look on the inside there's more that you will find
You will find a girl inside of a woman's body
A little girl that has felt pain,anger,hurt,abuse,rejection,low self-esteem,envy,malice, and jealousy
But you will also find a strong woman
Who's independent, handles her business and takes control when necessary and does what's necessary
Then you will find a young woman who is loving,caring,beautiful,confident,funny,outgoing,charismatic young woman who wants to be loved
So you see I'm not perfect, I'm just me and If you give me time you will meet all these parts and also find my heart. If you do find my heart please hold it tight and try not to break it.
Remember I'm not perfect, I'm me

Someday..

Someday someone will call me beautiful and mean it
Someday someone will see me just for who I am
Someday someone will break through this tough shell
Someday someone will look me in the eyes as if I'm the only girl in the world
Someday someone will feel like I was made just for them
Someday someone will see me all natural and still think I'm absolutely beautiful
Someday someone will want me to be the only girl in their world
Someday someone will see the woman that God has called me to be
Someday someone will make me believe in true love again
Someday someone will make me fall deep in love with them
Someday someone will love me back as much as I Love them
Someday someone will be deserving of my love and affection
Someday someone will make me write poems about them
Someday someone will make me theirs forever...

Truth is

Ever had your feelings so hurt that you just want to crawl in a hole and just stay there. I just couldn't hold it in anymore but yet somehow I regret it but I'm happy to have let it all out. At first I was apprehensive but it was time to just let myself be vulnerable. It took every fiber of my being to open myself up again and my feelings got crushed again. All I ever am is the good friend! I'm the girl that every guy likes to hang with but not make their girlfriend it hurts but I guess I get over it someday. I just want someone that will love me just the way that I am and not just want me as a friend but want me to be the only girl in your world and when you look at me that I'm important to you. I'm tired of just the friend card, I want to be loved
  Until this day comes I wait...

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I wish

I wish i had the courage to tell you
I wish I had the courage to open up my heart
I wish I had the courage to be vulnerable again
I wish that I had the courage to let you in my heart
I wish I had the courage to just just let go
I wish I had the courage to look at you and just let it all out
I wish I had the courage to be your girlfriend
I wish I had the courage...