Learning to live half alive....

New Perspective

School is almost over. As of next week Tuesday my first year of college will be done. I can;t believe that I have come this far since the first day that I stepped foot on Houghton College Campus. I came in a insecure, spindless, dependent Pre-med major and I am leaving a stronger, smarter, bolder Psychology major. I was afraid to step of my comfort zone and now that I have I wouldn't change that experience for the world. It has not only changed my future plans but also my outlook on life. I know see my future as brighter and full of possibilities instead of just school, school and more school. I get to so something that I love which is counseling people and I get to do what God has called me to do. Not gonna lie it scares me a lot to think about my future but I know with God in the driver seat that everything will turn out the way that it is supposed to.I accept the mistakes of my past but I am officially moving on from them and looking to my brighter future. It's time for the old me to shed and the new me to spread my wings and fly like an eagle.God your will not my will be done in my life :)

My feelings

I feel like death again
I been sick since last thursday and it hasn't seem to get any better
I wish I could eat like a normal person but my body keeps rebelling against me
I really just want to be better but it doesn't seem to be happening any time soon
I have to study for 3 exams that start coming up this friday
I just want to go home and curl up in my bed and stay there
At home is where i feel comfort but I have another week before I can do that
I just want my mom to hold me and tell me that everyone is going to be ok
I just have so much that seems to be going on in my head lately and being sick doesn't make it better
Why can't things just be a little bit easy?
Why can't I just shake off all of this fear that seems to have me drowning?
Lately I've been feeling like I'm drowning in a sea of emotions and problems
It all hit me at once
Usually I can deal with these silent killers that try to come and hurt me but this time it seems like it has come to shake me and keep me bound
I trust in God and I know that he has a plan but it still gets hard
I still cry myself to sleep sometimes
I still sit in confusion and wonder how will I make it through the storm this time
God you are still the great I am and my life is in your hand
But right now I feel that everything is coming against me and I look for you and it's hard to see you
I am weak and i need you to be strong for me
I can't do this on my own
I am a lowly sinner, saved by your grace that is calling on you
God I need you RIGHT NOW!

Confusion

Confusion is where I seemed to have lived at for the past few weeks
Confusion about life
Confusion about where I'm suppose to be at
Confusion about where my place is in life
Confusion about whether at the end of my 3 years will my record be good enough for grad school
Confusion about whether I will make it in grad school
Confusion about whether I will be a good counselor in real life
Confused about whether I'm doing enough for God
Confusion about whether I am enough
And of course the confusion that's always there is confusion about a boy
I don't want to go through life and just be another person that lived on the earth
I somehow want to leave my impact on this earth but I don't know exactly how to do that
I know God has called me to be a counselor and talk to people and change them but how?
I'm so afraid to make mistakes and let people down that I stop my life
This is how I have lived these last few years of my life in places of great hope and places of great confusion
God please helped your confused Daughter, give me direction and show me exactly what I'm supposed to do
There is no way that I want to move outside of your will so God this is where I call on you and ask for your help
Cuz me and my human mind we can't do it alone, without you, Life isn't even worth living..
So please help me in my place of confusion or I fear that confusion will get the best of me